Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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