Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
