ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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