Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
