He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
