i permit you to call me
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
