He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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