You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
