OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
