I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
