I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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