I love black thongs
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
