I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
