We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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