did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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