peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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