I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
