I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
