just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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