All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
