My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
