My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize