I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize