non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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