You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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