He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
