you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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