Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
