i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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