My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
