Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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