Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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