and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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