Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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