The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
