She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
