I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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