Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
