when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize