I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
