I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
