sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
dude. I can hear the air.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
