Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
being pregnant is like rehab
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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