you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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