Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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