i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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