As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize