i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
