He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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