I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
