come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
