hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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