Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
