Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
