just come out here and I will go home with you...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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