I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
