Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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