Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
