I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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