found the other keg... it's in the tree
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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