The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
