You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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