So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
