So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
